My life right now feels like the ending scene of a movie.
The loose ends are being tied.
The mistakes, struggles and hard times are reflected on, and although you can't change them now there's a sense of excepting what happened in the past and allowing closure.
The people that will most definitely appear in the sequel all seem to stand out.
and though not everything is resolved, there's a sense of it all being okay regardless.
I'm not going to fluff or downplay anything here-- So beware of honesty.
Summer Semester
I started school at BYU a clueless, immature high school graduate, ready to take on the world as if it was a stage. Because it was. The world was my stage whether I wanted to accept it or not. I loved the position of center stage- no matter what stage that was. At the beginning of my college experience, people found out that I could sing. I found myself hoarded by admirers- mostly male. I ate it up. I loved the attention. I'll be honest. Until I fully realized just how skin deep- or vocal deep it was. As far as I could see, they only liked me because of my pretty voice, my blonde hair and my bubbly personality. It really bothered me. I had no idea who I was. I liked to think that I did- but in all actuality- I had no clue.
But it was warm outside, friendships were made quickly, and it was all fun and games.
I learned a lot summer semester. I deepened. Softened. I swallowed a little bit of pride- but not all of it. I learned that I really did want to serve a mission- that wasn't just a far off dream in the distance. It was real. I was meant to go on a mission and that was my life. And when that discovery was made- I made it loud. It was a big deal to me. I told everyone my countdown. I made certain that it was made known. That totally could have come off as self righteous, or whatnot, I recognize that. It could have been easily confused for that by those surrounding me at that time in my life. But inside- I had won the battle of what I felt like I needed to do- and recognizing if it was truly from God.
Summer semester, I spent all of my time with my roommates. I grew to love, and still love those girls. It was a time that I will really cherish in all of our lives when it was easy and wonderful. I wish that the rest of it could have been that way- but I will always cherish that special time and hold on to those memories.
Me the day I packed my car and moved out.
Roommate Temple Trip
Sierra and Me after a concert
Some of the Highlights
Fall Semester
I won't sugar coat this at all- Fall semester was the hardest time in my life .I hated it. I was thrown into personal crisis, as well as dealing with external crisis as well. The schooling was stressful, the winter was coming, relationships were strained, and I was all over the place. I did, and said, and was a lot of things that I definitely regret and feel very sorry for. I feel as if I almost went into numb autopilot.
A lot of what happened fall semester- I have blurred from memory. But much of it comes up now and again and I have to consciously decide how I want to react and handle it.
I have come to realize over the course of this year that the person I was when this all began isn't me. The mistakes I made, the things I said, the struggles I had- are not who I am today. I learned more from last semester than any other part of my life.
I learned that oven mitts are exceptionally flammable. I learned what an exceptional bishop was (shout out to you Bishop Sybrowski). I learned that in order to succor and help someone else - you can't forget about taking care of you too. I learned that people change but that's okay because they're on their own path- you just have to love them and accept them for who they are. I learned that agency is a real thing- people will choose what people will choose and that's great. I learned that it's okay- even awesome- if people don't like you. You don't have to win everyone. It's okay if someone has a bad opinion of you. You don't have to go about trying to win people over. Correcting misconceptions of who you are isn't your job. You just be the best you you can be and move forward. Last semester- I was so doggone sleep deprived, had so much inner turmoil with unrealistic expectations of what I could achieve that I am sure anyone who would see me would think I was this inward turned, non-expressive, anti-social person on the one hand- and a total spaz, attention seeking airhead when I did have an occasional burst of energy. And you know what? I can't fix any of those misconceptions of me. I can't go back and change each person who saw me into seeing who I really am. But I don't have to. We live. We learn. We have bad days. We're imperfect. We make mistakes. But that's part of life.
I learned what a best friend truly is (Lydia, this is your shout out- you knew it was coming.)
I learned that a best friend loves you no matter what. (Sees your flaws, sees your insecurities, sees your struggles, sees your weaknesses, sees your strengths, sees where your pride lies, sees what makes you tick- and still loves you despite all of that.) A best friend laughs with you even when sometimes you just feel like crying. A best friend lightens the mood, doesn't let you take yourself too seriously. A best friend even sometimes says "Stop it. You're not teaching mission prep today, you've got too much on your plate, go home, go to bed You don't get to say no- Just go now." I will never forget how much I needed that day- and how much I needed to hear that very statement. (thank you Lydia) A best friend just knows when you're having an off day. Gives the best hugs. And when Graham Canyon ice cream is the only remedy- You can finish off a full carton with no shame whatsoever.
I learned that visiting teaching is a miracle, and I love it.
Home teachers make a huge difference.
It was the little rays of sunshine- the random acts of kindness that kept me going.
Seeing Shayla wheel around campus with a huge smile on her face, always willing to offer a hug, a word of advice or an occasional delicious "no-no" (little pieces of heaven she makes).
Lydia being not only my voice of reason, but the soft heart end of it all as well. ( You don't give your heart enough credit- you have a big, sweet heart too you know) Always to the rescue. Always checking in, checking up, and offering kindness.
Mike randomly showing up at my door to make me hot chocolate, just because.
James and Charles- for just being there.
It's such a relief to look back on all of the darkness that that time was for me- and seeing all of these lights that helped me through it all.
(This is a lot longer post than intended- but considering I don't think very many people actually know about or read my blog anyway and this is therapeutic- no shame in a very long post)
I could go on for 12 pages about everything that I learned Fall semester. But the truth of the matter is- it was hard. It was long. It was painstakingly difficult. I did a lot of things wrong. I made a lot of mistakes. I did a lot of things right. I followed promptings that needed to be followed. I made leaps in bounds in some areas, I fell exceptionally short in others. But that time of my life is over- I glean the lessons that I can from it and I move forward having gained a new perspective, and fresh life view.
Mckenna And I taking awkward photos
awkward family photo
Football game!
Winter Semester
Although winter semester had its' own trials, It was overall an amazing semester. I made memories and friendships and learned more lessons I will never forget. At the beginning of the semester, I had all these goals. I had decided that I was going to be perfect. I was going to be my goal person and be as near to perfection as I could possibly imagine for myself. It was only over the course of the semester that I realized not only was that not possible- but not expected of me either. When the Savior said "Be perfect", He didn't necessarily mean I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. No- quite the opposite. You cannot become perfect without making mistakes. Learning from mistakes is how we progress. You also cannot fully gain a testimony of the Savior's Atonement until you've used it. You can't use it,(at least a portion of the savior's atonement) until you have done something wrong. When he said, "Be Perfect" he also meant, be Whole. Complete. Firm in your conversion in Christ.
Finally, a lot of the lessons that Heavenly Father had been trying to teach me all year sank in.
I learned to let go. To have fun. To not take myself too seriously. That the simple daily things like Scripture study, heartfelt prayer, and attending your church meetings with all of your heart- not just with mundane routine- is the key to happy life. Loving others. accepting them for who they are, regardless of your personal preference or opinions makes all the difference. You get what you put into things. If you work really hard- the results come. If you work on reaching out, getting accquainted with others, getting involved- you will succeed. If you put a lot into your school work- you will get a lot out. We tend to get what we seek for most in life.
I learned that God is in the little details. That he inspires us to do things, say things, and go places to help influence and love one another.
I learned this semester that the temple is the most sacred, holy place in the world. I would go there every day if I could. I learned that family history work not only isn't boring- but is actually really addicting, fun, and makes a huge difference in the way your life goes.
I learned that a positive attitude is a remedy for just about anything.
I learned that exercise is the cure to a bad day.
I became an Andy Grammer fan.
I learned that I really LOVE vegtables.
I changed my major 3 times.
I learned to keep a planner- and actually use it.
I learned how to play the piano for reals.
I realized a clean kitchen and a bed made reduces anxiety.
I learned that the snooze button is my worst enemy.
I learned I am not only a morning person- but in fact, I do better on assignments and tests if I take them in the morning.
I learned that during the hours of 3-5 in the afternoon, a specific activity must be planned for me because if I decide to wing it- nothing gets done.
I learned to budget.
I'm not actually lactose intolerant- too much sugar gives me stomach aches- not milk.
Amy whiting is the coolest roommate in the world.
Having a hole in your eardrum is an unpleasant experience.
Having a best guy friend that you can laugh with, sing with, dance around and be completely insane with, fan girl over obscure bands, go to concerts with, run away and just get away with, have insane tickle fights, eat Peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwiches, have dance parties, watch movies, silly faces, weird voices and all other socially unacceptable actions that fall under that category alongside- is the best thing that could ever happen to a girl.
ASL is basically the coolest language- ( I haven't learned spanish yet- so I can't love it more than ASL yet)
